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Friendships can be one of the greatest blessings in your life. However, they can be one of
the hardest blessings to keep in the event of a quarrel. There are often arguments and
conflicts forcing themselves between the loving words and kind acts. As young women
grow older, these conflicts become more complicated. The question is: how do we deal with
these problems when they come our way? When the rubber meets the road and
conversations get heated, how are we to handle ourselves?
the hardest blessings to keep in the event of a quarrel. There are often arguments and
conflicts forcing themselves between the loving words and kind acts. As young women
grow older, these conflicts become more complicated. The question is: how do we deal with
these problems when they come our way? When the rubber meets the road and
conversations get heated, how are we to handle ourselves?
Last week, we (Olivia and I) had the largest confrontation we’d had in a long while. Most of the time, we come to each other during non-
conflict moments and talk about our feelings. However, this time the anger somehow built up without much notice before exploding over a single
insensitive act from on my (Chelsea's) part.
I (Olivia) had made the mistake of becoming frustrated, but because I wasn’t sure what I was upset about, shoved the feelings aside and allowed
them to build up inside my own emotional volcano.
conflict moments and talk about our feelings. However, this time the anger somehow built up without much notice before exploding over a single
insensitive act from on my (Chelsea's) part.
I (Olivia) had made the mistake of becoming frustrated, but because I wasn’t sure what I was upset about, shoved the feelings aside and allowed
them to build up inside my own emotional volcano.
After I (Chelsea) apologized for what I had done wrong, we had to deal with other issues were both
upset about. We did make up (otherwise we wouldn’t be writing this article), but how could we have
prevented this kind of emotional explosion? How are we to handle the moments when anger and
bitterness have a hold on our conversation? Here are some of the ways Olivia and I have learned to avoid
extreme conflict:
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When your friend has hurt you, or a behavior pattern of hers irritates you or makes you angry, calmly
explain how she has hurt you and give a for-instance during a time when you’re not boiling over. Don’t
wait until you’re fuming and red-faced to talk with her.
explain how she has hurt you and give a for-instance during a time when you’re not boiling over. Don’t
wait until you’re fuming and red-faced to talk with her.
Talk Things Out
Listen
Chances are, something you’ve done has hurt your friend or at least bothered her. Give her the
opportunity to speak as well and try not to interrupt.
opportunity to speak as well and try not to interrupt.
Admit Your Faults and Apologize
No matter how wrong you think the other person is or the reasons for why you did what you did, if
you did something wrong or hurtful, APOLOGIZE. You aren’t held accountable for the things your
friend has done, you are responsible for your own actions
you did something wrong or hurtful, APOLOGIZE. You aren’t held accountable for the things your
friend has done, you are responsible for your own actions
Be Willing to Change
Apologizing may make things temporarily better, but if you don’t change, the same conflict will present itself over and over again. Pray and ask
God to help you overcome your character flaws. You’ll never be perfect, but just the fact that you are trying to change will work wonders in a
relationship.
God to help you overcome your character flaws. You’ll never be perfect, but just the fact that you are trying to change will work wonders in a
relationship.
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Don’t lie to your friend because you’re afraid of hurting her feelings. Honesty is a key element to
mending a relationship. As long as you are humble, admit your faults and are speaking in
kindness, things should get resolved. Chances are, your friend doesn’t even realize she’s hurt you
or does the things you point out! However, if your friend gets angry, its her job to deal with her
emotions, its only your job to be honest.
mending a relationship. As long as you are humble, admit your faults and are speaking in
kindness, things should get resolved. Chances are, your friend doesn’t even realize she’s hurt you
or does the things you point out! However, if your friend gets angry, its her job to deal with her
emotions, its only your job to be honest.
Be Honest
Accept Your Friend for who she is
Most likely, your friend did not hurt you on purpose. In fact, when you confront her, you may find out that she didn't even realize she
committed certain actions or spoke certain words that were potentially hurtful. Give her the benefit of the doubt and be understanding towards
her. None of us are perfect. The Golden Rule comes into play here. If you want to be accepted and loved for who you are, you must also love
committed certain actions or spoke certain words that were potentially hurtful. Give her the benefit of the doubt and be understanding towards
her. None of us are perfect. The Golden Rule comes into play here. If you want to be accepted and loved for who you are, you must also love
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No matter how well you perform the above steps, there will be times where conflict gets out of hand. All the above steps apply to larger
arguments, but here are some other things to remember during a friendship “battle”:
arguments, but here are some other things to remember during a friendship “battle”:
Try Not to Yell
Raising your voice will not make matters any easier to deal with, nor will they make them more pleasant. Try to speak in controlled tones as you
voice your emotions. If you can’t talk without yelling, don’t speak at all.
voice your emotions. If you can’t talk without yelling, don’t speak at all.
Listening is a key factor in resolving a problem. Listen to your friend talk and try to see things from her point of view. You’ll get a chance to talk
once she’s done, but there are times when all your mouth needs to be is closed.
once she’s done, but there are times when all your mouth needs to be is closed.
Try to Listen
Don’t Exaggerate
Terms like “always”, “never”, and “everything” are not true. When you’re angry, all you’ll see are your friend’s faults. Chances are though, her
problems seem bigger or more terrible than they really are when you’re angry. “You never think of me”, “You’re always angry with me”, and
“Everything you say is mean” are exaggerations. These things may be a pattern of behavior obvious enough to warrant your anger, but phrases
like the above are hurtful. Also, it’s a good idea to remind your friend that you DO see good things in her and praise her for her good character
qualities.
problems seem bigger or more terrible than they really are when you’re angry. “You never think of me”, “You’re always angry with me”, and
“Everything you say is mean” are exaggerations. These things may be a pattern of behavior obvious enough to warrant your anger, but phrases
like the above are hurtful. Also, it’s a good idea to remind your friend that you DO see good things in her and praise her for her good character
qualities.
___________________________
Over the years, we’ve noticed that the quantity of things we’re upset about stem from a common root. Usually during confrontations, you will
find the root of smaller issues. In this case, it is not necessary to bring up all the “little hurtful things”, but rather you should strike at the root of
your problems.
Friends stick together, but friendship takes work. Make sure you aren’t forcing your friend to bear the brunt of laboring at the relationship. The
above keys are not necessarily going to save your relationship in the event of severe conflict, but they will help. Olivia and I (Chelsea) have been
friends for upwards of 10 years. We have had more arguments and conflicts than we can count, but through it all have built a relationship we
hope will last the rest of our lives. It IS worth it to work out your differences in order to build a friendship that will last a lifetime.
Over the years, we’ve noticed that the quantity of things we’re upset about stem from a common root. Usually during confrontations, you will
find the root of smaller issues. In this case, it is not necessary to bring up all the “little hurtful things”, but rather you should strike at the root of
your problems.
Friends stick together, but friendship takes work. Make sure you aren’t forcing your friend to bear the brunt of laboring at the relationship. The
above keys are not necessarily going to save your relationship in the event of severe conflict, but they will help. Olivia and I (Chelsea) have been
friends for upwards of 10 years. We have had more arguments and conflicts than we can count, but through it all have built a relationship we
hope will last the rest of our lives. It IS worth it to work out your differences in order to build a friendship that will last a lifetime.
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